Love.
The idea of it was tainted for me starting at a young age. Many of you know this and many of you don’t: I was sexually abused by my older stepbrother as a little girl from around the ages of 6- to 8-years-old.
More damaging than the physical acts that occurred during that time were the unspoken ideas implanted within me.
Ideas of what “love” was.
Loving someone meant giving them a power that would be held over the other person. The unspoken expectations of what I had to do to prove my love to another. Love and trust meant never questioning, always saying yes. Love was allowing my mind, body, and soul to be violated because if I loved him, I would ______; even if it meant I was dying inside myself.
A large part of my life these past few years, starting with the World Race and continuing into CGA, has been having my world brought into the right perspective. From what Satan wishes I would believe to the truth God holds for me.
I am in a relationship with a God who refuses to let me sit in the sorrow and suffering of the lies spoken over me at such a young age.
Instead, my God draws me into freedom, truth, and healing. It’s a painful process because first I must dive into deep wounds that I would much rather ignore than address. But God walks me gently through the pain, and as I draw out the lies, He places His truth within me.
This last week has been one more step towards healing for me.
It was a memory I hadn’t thought of in…I couldn’t tell you how many years it’s been. Nor have I ever sat to think about the importance of what seemed so small an encounter between my stepbrother and I.
I stood before his bedroom door, wanting to be let in. I was bored that day and wanted a friend to play with. So I sought out my stepbrother. He “loved” me, of course, so why wouldn’t I have done such a thing?
Rather than let me in his room that day, he told me I couldn’t come in, and then slammed the door in my face.
My reaction? I felt extreme rejection. I was upset and confused. He loved me, didn’t he? Why wouldn’t he let me in? Didn’t he want me?
This moment of rejection is the only time I remember this ever happening in the few years he was in my life.
Had that door been opened up for me, had I been let in…well, I’ll spare you the details of what would probably have ended up happening yet again that day.
This memory came up in the middle of a counseling session, and as I spoke out the memory, I was asked the question, “Where was God in that moment you remember?”
Immediately, I know the answer. God was standing directly behind me, just over my right shoulder. He was so close; I could feel His presence still, even in simply recalling the memory.
My world, my perspective shifted with that realization.
It was love, not rejection I experienced in that moment.
It was God’s love present in that moment.
Love that ensured the door would close.
Love that protected me from one more encounter of abuse,
one more violation of my body and soul.
Love was the closed door.
What I hadn’t realized until before was how desperately skewed my view of love was at that age. “Love” for me would have meant being let in the room. But the true, pure love that can only come from God was the closed door. While it may have hurt because I didn’t get the attention and affirmation I was seeking, it was God’s love seeking to protect and safeguard a little girl’s heart from the damage of a broken teenage boy.
I didn’t know better then, but I know better now. It’s taken years of God pursuing me relentlessly and showing me true love to know the difference.
Love protects. Love cherishes and honors. Love is pure. Love safeguards innocence instead of destroying it. Love is not selfish. Love desires the best for the other person.
I know what love is now.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil
but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV)
How true this rings within my heart. I pray you, too, know what true love is.
This part is very important. Please read it.
In writing this blog and sharing this moment with you in vulnerability, I need you all to know a couple things.
1) I am not a victim, so please don’t pity me. Horrible things happened to me, but God is redeeming it into a beautiful story to be used to help others receive healing as well. I wouldn’t take away what happened to me for anything.
2) Whatever you do, whatever you may think, never, please, NEVER demonize my stepbrother for what he did or the damage he caused. He was a boy that was broken and hurting, living in a world that tells him lies of what a man is and how one can treat a woman’s body. He’s not to be hated, but to have compassion shown to him. So if you feel a need for a call to action rising in you, may that action be praying for him and all the other men who are misguided in the areas of manhood and sexuality. But don’t hate him, whatever you do. It’s the last thing I would want to happen in sharing my story.
