“I can’t. It’s not fair. Where were You??”
She cries out to God, huddled on the floor, face to the ground.
Deep, guttural sobs of pain swell up from inside her and release into the room.
My heart wrenches.
I’ve been there. I was there, less than two years ago. That deep pain that feels so great, it might actually crush you. The not understanding why things happened the way they did, the feeling of being lost; unsure if this God of love that I know in my head (but not my heart) to be real is really who everyone says He is.
I’ve been there. But no longer am I the woman I once was.
Before I can even begin to get lost in old memories, I feel my God’s Presence come heavy into the room. It’s as though He’s standing right beside me, though I can see no one. I close my eyes as a thought sweeps through my head, like He whispered it right in my ear.
“I’m right here beside you, just as I always have been.”
No longer am I the woman I once was.
Hope and love rush into my heart. A dam inside me has broken. People around the room have their hands raised, they need encouragement; it’s time to pray for them.
No longer am I the woman I once was.
No longer am I the one in pain, looking for some shred of hope to hold on to. Now I am the one with hope that overflows from me, like a rampant tidal wave that cannot be contained. I now hold the hope that others so desperately need.
I’m able, no, blessed to go to a couple girls who are waiting for prayer. I pray for God’s hope, peace, and love to come in. And I declare truth over them; truths that were once so hard for me to believe in that are now the firm foundation I build my life on.
Tears break free as God’s love invades the hurt, the painful parts of their soul, and begins to bring healing. God is good, He is so, so good. That truth sinks deeper into my own heart in this moment.
No longer am I the woman I once was.
All last week, I had the honor of serving behind the scenes at Project Searchlight, the re-entry conference held at Adventures in Missions for all the World Race participants who have recently come off the field.
This moment was less than four days ago, in the middle of the conference. And as I look back at it, I’m realizing what a defining moment it is for me.
My own Project Searchlight happened exactly a year ago, almost the exact same dates I was working this one. All week, I’ve experienced flashbacks to where I was coming off the Race.
Which, to be honest, I was a bit of a hot mess.
God was calling me into something I didn’t want to follow Him into. I felt lost and alone without my squad mates beside me. And I was being put to the test. Would I choose to believe in the truth of God’s character that I had learned about on the Race? Or would I walk away and live my life for myself again?
I chose to believe in God. I chose to obey Him and go home to my parents for nine months…and then followed Him here to CGA.
Looking back over the last year, I’m amazed at how much God has done in this time. He has brought restoration to my relationship with my family, He has grown my faith in Him, and He has healed parts of me I never thought could be.
By no means is the process close to being over, but no longer am I the woman I once was, either.
The wounds I once carried with me are now scars that are testimony and testament to the goodness of my God and His relentless pursuit of my heart. I have known pain and suffering, but there is no shame attached to what I’ve been through. For coming out on the other side of it all, God has created in me an unwavering strength to now go and walk into others’ suffering and offer them the same hope that got me through it all.
No longer am I the woman I once was,
and it is now time to start giving away what I’ve received.
My next semester at CGA starts on January 29th. I don’t know what it holds for me, but I know I’m ready to say “yes” to whatever it may be.
